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Apr 21

Subway Franchise Structure

Posted on Thursday, April 21, 2011 in Humor

Apr 8

Beaver Wash

Posted on Friday, April 8, 2011 in Public Service

Is your favorite beaver smelling like a Porta-Potty on a hot summer day in Juárez? Then new improved industrial strength Beaver Wash is the product you have been waiting for. Guaranteed to get rid of any unpleasant odors including that nasty hard to remove dead fish smell. Beaver wash will leave your furry friend clean, refreshed and ready to play any time day or night.

Mar 1

Wash Your Hands!

Posted on Tuesday, March 1, 2011 in Public Service

This advertisement is presented as a public service by all your friends here at the
Mangy Rooster

Mar 1

Obama Care: Coming Soon

Posted on Tuesday, March 1, 2011 in Public Service

Will he ever learn?

Jan 19

Top Ten Gay Movies Of All Time

Posted on Wednesday, January 19, 2011 in Humor

film strip

Whether you are straight as an arrow, a borderline

Ass Wrangler, or just a Rump Ranger who enjoys

cruising the Hershey Highway these will make you

laugh.

*

01) I LEFT MY NADS IN SAN FRANCISCO
After traveling to San Francisco for a sex change operation a man learns to deal with the new reality of his decision.

02) I GOT MY LICKS ON ROUTE 66
Three men on a road trip learn there is more to it than just a long hard drive.

03) WILLY WANKER AND THE FUDGE FACTORY
Working in the packing department Willy is packing em’ tight as he learns the in’s and outs of the business.

04) RANDY RIDES AGAIN
This one is kind of self explanatory.

05) BEAVER AND BUTTFACE
An animated classic.

06) RUMP RANGER RHAPSODY
In this western musical three cowboys learn to ride more than a horse. Featuring classic songs like “The Bung Hole Boogie” and “Ride Em’ Cowboy”

07) FREE MY WILLY
After relieving himself on a frozen light pole in central park on cold deserted night a man searches for help after finding himself stuck like Chuck. Cold and freezing will anybody lend a hand to free him?

08) HORTON FINDS A HOLE
Our pal Horton searches shopping malls and airports around the country for that perfect pleasure hole.

09) THREE MEN AND A GOAT
Filmed in entirely in Iraq this tells the story of three mens love of animals.

10) PRISON BITCH
After wrongly being accused of Zoophilia (sex with animals) A man is sentenced to 5o years in prison. He soon learns there is more to life than sheep, and not to drop the soap. (more…)

Sep 13

You Might Be A Redneck If:

Posted on Monday, September 13, 2010 in Humor

redneckYou think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are “Gentlemen, start your engines.”

You think Sherlock Holmes is a housing project down in Biloxi.

You think a stock tip is advice on worming’ your hogs.

You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You think TACO BELL is the Mexican Phone Company.

Your state’s got a new law that says when a couple get divorced, they are still legally brother and sister.

Your house still has the “WIDE LOAD” sign on the back.

You got stopped by a state trooper. He asked you if you had an I.D. And you said, ‘Bout What?’

You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.

Your sister is the third generation of women in your family to conceive a baby as a result of an alien abduction.

If you can burp and say your name at the same time, you’re shur’nuff a redneck.

You think Possum is “The Other White Meat”.

You carried a fishing pole into Sea World.

You hooked up with your present girlfriend as a result of a message on the wall of the mens’ room at the Flying J Truck Stop.

The centerpiece on your dining room table is an original signed work by a famous taxidermist.

You think a quarter horse is a ride out in front of the Wal-Mart.

You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off it’s wheels.

Your huntin dawg had a litter of puppies in the living room and nobody noticed.

You think safe sex is a padded headboard.

You think subdivision is part of a math problem.

You think there’s nothin wrong with incest as long as you keep it in the family.

You and your dog use the same tree.

You think God looks a lot like Hank Williams, Jr., and heaven looks a lot like Daytona Beach, Florida.

Your father executes the “pull my finger” trick during Christmas dinner.

You believe dual air bags refer to your wife and mother-in-law.

You’ve got more than one brother named ‘Darryl’.

You think the OJ Trial was a Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.

You were acquitted for murdering your first wife after she threw out your Elvis 8-tracks.

You think watching professional wrestling is foreplay.

The people on Jerry Springer’s show remind you of your neighbors.

Your front porch collapses and four dogs git killed.

Your grandfather died and left everything to his widow. But she can’t touch it until she’s fourteen.

Your kids take a siphon hose to “Show and Tell.”

You’ve ever had to scratch your sisters name out of a message that begins, “For a good time time call…”

When you take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took.

Your whole family is Democrats ‘cept little Mary. She lernt how to read.

You think fast food is hitting a possum at 65 mph.

redneck spam

You can get dog hair from out of your belly button.

You have a bumper sticker that says, “MY MOTHER’S AN HONOR STUDENT AT SOUTH LITTLE ROCK JR. HIGH.”

You take a six-pack cooler to church.

Your family tree has no forks.

You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since “Smokey and the Bandit” was snubbed for best picture.

You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.

You use a weedeater in your living room.

You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.

You have a rag for a gas cap.

The blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.

The third grade teacher says little Bubba could be a mathematical genius because he’s got thirteen fingers.

Fifth grade was the best six years of your life.

You have to go outside to get something out of the fridge.

A seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.

One of your kids was born on a pool table.

You have spray painted your girlfriend’s name on an overpass.

Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.

Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.

Mailpouch sends you Christmas cards.

Down where you come from reruns of Hee Haw are called documentaries.

Your house doesn’t have curtains, but your truck does.

You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.

On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.

You think of a pink flamingo as art.

You think the Mountain Men in Deliverance were just “misunderstood”.

If you refer to the fifth grade as, “your senior year”.

Three quarters of the clothes you own have LOGOS on them.

The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.

Your `huntin dawg’ cost more than your truck.

Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.

You’ve been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.

You just bought an 8-track player to put in your truck.

You’ve ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister’s honor.

It’s easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.

You think the three primary colors are John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray.

Your pickup has a two-tone paint job primer red and primer gray.

Ya can’t get married to yer sweetheart ’cause there is a law against it.

redneck booze

You’ve been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.

Your beer can collection is the towns big tourist attraction.

You dated your daddy’s current wife in high school.

Your aunt and your grandmother went to the funeral and had a fight over who gets to be the widow.

You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.

If you ever used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.

You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.

During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.

You’re a lite beer drinker ’cause you start drinkin beer when it gets light.

You think the stock market has a fence around it.

Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.

You own a homemade fur coat.

Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the Governor to spare a loved one.

Your wife has ever said, “Come move this transmission so I can take a bath.”

You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

You refer to the time you won a free case of motor oil as “The day my ship came in.”

You use a NASCAR credit card.

Your brother-in-law is your uncle AND your grandfather.

Your parents met at a family reunion.

You believe that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.

You stare at an orange juice container because it says, “CONCENTRATE”.

Your idea of high-quality entertainment is a six-pack and a bug-zapper.

You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

Anyone in your family died right after saying, “Hey, y’all watch this!”.

You couldn’t learn to swim because your gene pool is too small.

Your wife’s job requires her to wear an orange vest.

You have the local taxidermist’s number on speed dial.

On Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which pet to eat.

Your school fight song is”Dueling Banjos”.

You think “taking out the trash” means taking your in-laws to a movie.

Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.

You got a Clapper controlling the appliances in your house.

You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.

The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.

They just raised the drinking age in your state to 32 on account of they wanted to keep alcohol out of the schools.

You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.

redneck fbi

The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.

The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.

You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.

You think of the “Dukes Of Hazard” as an epic.

You have a motor block hanging from a tree in your front yard.

You’ve ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

The KKK kicked you out for being a bigot.

You think a turtleneck is a key ingredient for soup.

You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

You no longer drink wine ever since the screw cap got caught up your nose.

You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.

That billboard that says, “SAY NO TO CRACK” reminds you to pull up your jeans.

Your wife’s hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

You go to your family reunion looking for a date.

You think a Volvo is part of a woman’s anatomy.

Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.

Your high school basketball game got rained out.

You have a motorcycle in pieces in your living room.

You’ve got more than three cousins named ‘Bubba’.

You have a close relative named “Cletus”.

You ever won first prize in a tobacco spittin contest.

You wish your outhouse was as nice as those at the state park.

Last year you hid yer kids’ Easter eggs under cow pies.

Your family always goes to the movies in groups of 18 or more ’cause they were told 17 and under are not admitted.

Jack Daniels makes your list of “Most Admired People”

Your dog can’t watch you eat without getting sick.

You think the winter olympic sport of curling is part of the “Big Hair” competition.

When you was little, your front yard got toilet papered and your momma thought it was a gift from God.

You’ve painted a car with house paint.

You’re banned from the Memphis Zoo because you disturb the monkeys.

You ever named a child after a dog.

You have more belt-buckles than pants.

You removed the back seat from your car so all yer kids could fit in.

You think taking a bubble bath starts with eating beans for dinner.

Your child’s first words were “Attention K-Mart shoppers!”

You’ve ever come home and found crime scene tape across your front porch.

You think a woman who is “out of your league” bowls on a different night.

Sep 13

Dog Definitions

Posted on Monday, September 13, 2010 in Humor

hound dog

LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.

DOG BED: Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.

DROOL: is what you do when your persons have food and you don’t. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.

SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dog’s rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop. This can also be done to human’s crotches.

GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.

BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.

DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person want them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.

THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.

WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrappers. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home.

SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.

BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.

BUMP: The best way to get your human’s attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesn’t get the attention you require….. especially effective when combined with The Sniff. See above.

VET: A place you never want to go, you will be poked and probed in ways only E.T. could think of. Your human will usually will try to trick you with special treats and praise to get you to come peacfully, but don’t be fooled.

LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you’re lucky, a human will love you in return. If not, you can always sniff their crotches.

Sep 13

Cat Translations

Posted on Monday, September 13, 2010 in Humor

cat“HERE KITTY KITTY KITTY…” (Means that humans want to take you somewhere, most likely the vet. Avoid it.)

“I HAVE SOMETHING SPECIAL FOR YOU!” (Probably left over human food they were about to throw out.)

“HERE’S SOME KITTY TREATS…” (Most likely another foil wrapped appeals-to-a-human Madison Avenue concoction. Real kitty treats are usually opportunities when no one’s paying attention and you get to lick the ice cream in the bowl, or jump on the table for that great piece of meat loaf.)

“YOU ARE SOOOOOO CUTE!” (You are about to rub noses with a human. They can never get enough of our tiny fur- coated bodies and irresistible faces. Human noses are sooo warm. Ugh.)

“YOU’RE IN MY CHAIR!” or “YOU’RE TAKING UP TOO MUCH OF THE BED!” (You picked the right spot. You are right where you should be.)

“DAMN CAT HAIR!” (You left your hair out in the open where humans can see it and properly clean it up.)

“STOP THAT!” (Means you were caught. Remember exactly where you were and get back to it – once they leave the house.)

“GET OUT OF HERE!” (Do not take this personally. It’s usually the first thing they say after you wake them up by sticking your ass in their face.)

SNAPPING OF FINGERS: (They want you to come over. If they want me, they’ll come get me. Otherwise, get a dog.)

“I LOVE YOU…” (Means just that. No translation needed here. Beware though they may be up to something.)

Sep 13

How To Clean A Cat (Method Two)

Posted on Monday, September 13, 2010 in Humor

crazy catSome people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like a new Improved Wisk dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisking it away.

I’ve spent most of my life believing this bull. Like most blind believers, I’ve been able to discount all the facts to the contrary (The kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace).

The time comes, however, when a man must face reality; when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce: “This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez.” When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under your arm and head for the bathtub:

  • Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don’t try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)
  • Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask and a long-sleeve flak jacket.
  • Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the tepid water.
  • Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product testing experiment for J.C. Penney. Cats are gullible that way!)
  • Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life. Cats have no handles when wet. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more that two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He’ll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record is — for cats — three latherings, so don’t expect too much.)
  • Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That’s because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.
  • In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psycho-ceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine. You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn’t usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But, at least now he smells a lot better.
Sep 13

Dog Rules

Posted on Monday, September 13, 2010 in Humor

dalmatian

  1. I will not play tug-of-war with my owners underwear when he’s on the toilet.
  2. I will not bark at the garbage collector he is NOT stealing our stuff.
  3. I will not suddenly stand straight up when I’m lying under the coffee table.
  4. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
  5. I will not scratch my ass by dragging it across the carpet.
  6. I will shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
  7. I will not eat the cats’ food, before or after they eat it. “Kitty box crunchies” are not food.
  8. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to puke.
  9. I will not throw up in the car.
  10. I will not fart in the car.
  11. I will not roll on dead things, poop, garbage, etc.
  12. I will not lick my human’s face after eating poop or licking my nuts.
  13. I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
  14. I will not slobber in my owners slippers.
  15. I will not eat out of the diaper pail it’s not a cookie jar.
  16. I will not wake my owner up by sticking my cold, wet nose up their ass.
  17. I will not chew on my human’s toothbrush and not tell them.
  18. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
  19. I will not insist on having the window rolled down When in the car and it’s raining outside.
  20. We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
  21. I will not steal my owners underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.
  22. I will not use the sofa or my owners lap as a face towel.
  23. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
  24. I will not bite the officer’s hand when he reaches in for my owners license.
  25. I will not chase the mailman or UPS driver.
  26. I will not lick my nuts while everybody is eating dinner.
  27. I will not scratch and howl loudly when going for a drink and my owner left the seat down.
  28. I will not hump legs.
  29. I will not hump the cat.
  30. I will not hump other male dogs.
  31. I will not sniff crotches.
  32. I will not sniff ass.